Why Her? Why Now?
by njdudette
Summary: I'm not really sure of the timing here, but I'd say somewhere during season 19 and in my (little) world, Barba isn't going anywhere.
1. Chapter 1

Authors Note: I've been a fan of SVU since it came on the air and have loved all the characters that have strolled in and out of the show. I was never bothered too much when a character departed, but damn, Barba leaving bummed me out. I always liked him and Liv together and didn't realize there was a name for it until now (Barson) LOL. I've been away from fanficdom for quite a while now, but his departure inspired me. I'm not the greatest writer and I'll accept any and all constructive criticism. I hope you enjoy.

* * *

It was a Monday morning and the squad sat around the conference table talking about yesterday's football games.

"I'm telling you, if Odell had been in the game, the Giants would have scored on that drive in the third quarter." Carisi didn't just bleed blue because he was a NYPD cop, he bled blue because he was a diehard Giants fan and he was in a great deal of pain watching the Giants season fall apart.

Fin enjoyed jerking Carisi's chain a little too much and playfully winked at Rollins as he said, "coulda, woulda Carisi."

Rollins declared, "My Falcons were lookin' pretty good yesterday, just sayin'."

Carisi laughed, "Oh please, the Falcons will never live down losing to the Patriot's last year. How do you blow that kind of a lead?!"

Barba was reviewing his notes – it was as if he was invisible to the rest of the squad. He in his world and they in theirs. Without looking up Barba chimed in, "It wouldn't have mattered if Odell wasn't injured, you can't move the ball if the offensive line can't give Eli time to throw."

Everyone dropped what they were doing/talking about and looked in disbelief towards Barba…he was a football fan?

One beat

Two beats

Three beats

Barba's eyes were drawn up by the sudden silence.

Finn looked at him with half amusement/half disbelief. The fact is everyone was thinking the same thing; they couldn't picture Barba watching anything beyond the PGA tour.

Finn chuckled, "you watched the game last night?"

Barba looked back down at his paperwork, he loathed their condescending looks, "I was up until Philadelphia upped their lead by 24 points, and that was it for me. Besides, I had to be here bright and early to meet…" he flipped a page in his notebook, "Lieutenant Thomson from the New Jersey State Police…"

He glanced over towards Liv, if he were honest to himself, she always made his heart beat a little faster, but he tried very hard to keep things professional and reveal very little about how he felt about her, but as each day passed it was becoming increasingly difficult. "As much as I enjoy coffee and all of your company, I do need to be in court in two hours."

"You forgot the donuts counselor, we're a full service squad here at SVU," Carisi chided as he took a bite of a donut.

Liv quickly shot a look at Carisi which said, 'don't get him started.' She looked at her watch, "I'm sorry Barba, she said she'd be here by 9:30 AM."

No sooner had those words left her mouth; Lieutenant Thomson was escorted into the squad room by a patrolman. He motioned in Liv's direction, the Lieutenant thanked him, and she confidentially walked towards Liv.

Old habits die hard, and Liv was sure she was like every other detective and instantly began evaluating the Lieutenant and she was not what she expected. She wore jeans, a fleece pullover, and hiking shoes. Most state troopers you could spot a mile away and yet she wasn't one of them. She was of medium height, average build and somewhat short hair which was spiked with gel. Lieutenant Thomson may have been comfortable and casual, but Liv sensed if she had to, she could take a perp down in less than 15 seconds.

Thomson outstretched her hand, "I am so incredibly sorry, my son informed me this morning he had a school bus trip and I had to drop him off at school. Mind you it was in the opposite direction of where I was going." She chuckled, "Mom of the year once again goes to me!"

"Not a problem Lieutenant let me introduce you to my squad." Liv steered her over to Finn, "this is my sergeant…"

That voice caught Barba's attention. He hadn't heard it in years. It stirred many emotions. He looked up and his stomach did a flip flop. It was her. If he could run he would, but he was cornered. She looked good, scratch that, she looked great. She barely had aged in 15 years. He'd recognize her anywhere.

"…and this is ADA Barba."

Liv immediately knew something was up. All the color had drained from Barba's face and if she were half the detective she thought she was, his hands were trembling.

"We've met…" Thomson interrupted, "Good to see you Rafael. You haven't changed one bit." She extended her hand and it hung for a moment too long before Barba reciprocated.

Liv could see the uneasiness in both their eyes.

"It's good to see you Linda. I'm afraid it's you that hasn't changed."

Liv didn't know what was going on but it was clear Barba and the Lieutenant knew each other and not only that, they were on a first name basis. A flash of jealousy washed over her and she quickly tried to bury it.

Thomson turned to face the screen hanging on the wall, she needed to get a grip and put her game face on. Not how she expected her day to turn out.

Thomson inserted her flash drive into the computer, and three mugshots popped up on the screen. "This is Lou Casasnovas, his brother Tom, and his girlfriend Marta…"

Barba watched her. He could see her lips moving, but he couldn't hear what she was saying. His head was spinning. Why her? Why now?

Liv glanced up from her notes, Barba was in a daze. She had worked with him for a while now and even spent time with him outside of work, but she had never seen him act so strangely before. She looked down at his clenched fists and knew he was about ready to explode.

Thomson flipped to the final screen, "We're hoping this information will help with your case. At the very least, it should be enough for a warrant."

All eyes were on Barba and yet all he could look at was Linda. He caught the glimmer of a diamond on her ring finger. She was married!

Lieutenant Thomson could feel Rafael's gaze. She knew he saw her ring and she unconsciously folded her arms, thus hiding her ring.

"…counselor?"

"Barba!"

Boom!

He had been transported a million miles away, but now he was back in the dingy NYPD squad room. He stood and began gathering his things, "not enough information. Get me more and maybe I can get Judge Miller to sign off on a warrant. I can't put my neck out for something like this." His hand waived towards the screen on the wall.

Lieutenant Thomson's hands were now on her hips, 'what the hell is he talking about? More information?'

Liv was confused and attempted to stop Barba from leaving, "All due respect counselor, but how much more do you need? We're handing this to you on a silver platter."

"When you or any of your detectives make it to the DA's office, then you can call the shots, until then it's my ass on the line."

With that he stormed out of the squad room.

Liv was at a loss for words. She hadn't seen that side of Barba before, but she suspected it had something to with the woman standing at the head of the table.


	2. Chapter 2

Barba couldn't breathe. He was gasping for air as he stepped out of the precinct. He looked up at the sun and closed his eyes. The sun's rays bathed him in warmth and slowly he began to catch his breath. He walked to the nearest food cart and ordered a coffee. It may not be the Cuban brew he loved, but it still was that magical elixir which helped calm him.

He re-played the last hour in his head. Everything was going fine and then…

'Why her? Why now?'

Without warning Linda was at his side and once again his world was tumbling.

"Why are you here?" His words seethed with anger. He was hurting and the only thing he could do was lash out, especially at the one person who was the source of his pain and misery.

Linda shook her head, she knew all too well how stubborn and obstinate Rafael could be but she was having none of it.

"If you had been paying attention, you would have seen I was here to help NYPD solve a case. You were pretty hard on them in there." She reached out and tried to touch the man she once knew, but he shrugged her off.

"It's simple, all they need to do is get me the information I require and they'll get a warrant." He put on his sunglasses and continued, "If you haven't noticed, we do things differently on this side of the Hudson River."

And with that he was gone.

Linda knew there was no stopping him. She had never wanted to hurt him. In fact, everything she had done in the past was meant to protect him from herself.


	3. Chapter 3

"I'll talk to Judge Miller in the morning and I'm sure now there's enough evidence to obtain a warrant for their home and offices. I'll also make sure the warrant includes their financial details."

Liv gave a mental eye roll when Barba emphasized the word 'now.' Truth be told, she barely brought him additional information. The only change? She merely presented it in a different way.

She exchanged an all knowing glance with Carisi.

"We appreciate that counselor." Liv took a step towards the door and then turned to Carisi, "I'll catch up with you back at the house, I need to discuss another case with Barba."

Barba was standing at the table, flipping through papers, trying to look busy. Bracing himself for the inevitable. There was no other case. She knew something and he wasn't sure he was ready to explain. Damn her!

Liv nudged him with her arm, "you want to explain yesterday?"

Here it comes…

He shrugged, "Not sure what you're talking about, like I said yesterday, I needed more evidence to take to the judge."

He didn't dare make eye contact. He continued to shuffle his papers, but he sensed she wasn't buying it and he was right.

She reached out and gently rubbed his back, "Rafa, it's me. Something is wrong. I know you, or at least I thought I did. Please talk to me."

His body stiffened at her touch. Not because it was unwanted, but because his emotions were raw. His nerve endings were on fire.

His resolve was weakening. She did that to him. So many bad memories. So much pain and yet there was this woman standing before him, willing to take it all away. Just maybe…

She dipped her head and tried to make eye contact, "You know you can always talk to me. No judgement."

Other than her therapist, no one knew how much she cared about Rafael. At times her body ached for him and when he was in pain she could feel it.

He ran his hand through his hair, closed the door and then collapsed onto his sofa.

"I'm sorry about yesterday. I was an ass. You're right; I could have taken what you had given me to the judge."

On a professional level Rafael Barba rarely apologized for his actions, but with her? He needed to be open with Olivia Benson. She had this knack of chipping away at the walls he had spent so many years building.

"Tell me something," he asked, "why did you invite Lieutenant Thomson to the precinct?

She wondered, since when does Barba question her motives on obtaining information from other agencies?

Her guard was up.

"In all honesty, it wasn't me. Rollins & Carisi were working the case and discovered a connection to a similar string of crimes in New Jersey. They ran it by me and were scheduled to drive over to New Jersey, but Lieutenant Thomson had personal business in the city and said she'd come here."

Barba slowly nodded, "she has family in the Bronx."

Liv raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Ok Rafa, clearly you two know each other, and you're on a first name basis…"

Barba could only nod; his mind was once again drifting…

 _He was upset. Tears streaming down his cheeks. He was holding a woman's hand. Pleading with her not to leave._

Liv reached out and touched his arm, "Rafa, please tell me what's wrong? It's clearly bothering you."

Barba looked down at his hands. Her fingers were now intertwined with his. Her thumb gently rubbing circles round and round.

He finally began to speak, "Linda and I grew up together. She was always one of the guys. I never thought much about her, even though we were inseparable. There was something about her that drew me to her. She had this energy. Some would argue a reckless energy.

He stood and began pacing his office.

"I was out of law school and working for the Brooklyn DA's office. Linda had just finished with the academy and we happened to run into each other one weekend. There was an instant spark. We were young and couldn't get enough of each other. We'd work all day and party all night."

Liv's eyes opened wide, 'party all night?'

"It began to affect our jobs. She'd call in sick to work and I would show up late to court, hungover and wreaking of alcohol."

At that moment Liv saw Barba's world begin to crumble and she rushed to comfort him. She had never seen him so vulnerable.

She caught him as his knees began to buckle, "Rafa, it's ok; everything is going to be ok."

She hugged him tightly. She felt his muscles contract and slowly relax.

He relaxed and gave into her. He breathed her in as he buried his nose into her hair. They stood there wrapped up in each other.

Liv rubbed her fingers tips up and down the nape of his neck, "Rafa, we were all young once. We've all done things we're not proud of, myself included."

Truth be told, Barba didn't want to let go of Liv. It felt so right. He was intoxicated by her smell and the way her body felt against his. If he had the power to stop time he would have right at that moment.

He reluctantly let go of her and stepped to the window and looked down at the bustling street below.

"I hear what you're saying, it's hard to explain. Linda was like a drug, I couldn't get enough of her. But sometimes two people aren't meant to be together…"

* * *

It was early evening and Linda stopped by to see Rafael, hoping to talk some sense into him. She paused momentarily at his secretary's desk, but she was nowhere to be found. Linda was about ready to knock on Rafael's door when she heard muffled voices coming from within his office. She peered through the open crack and saw Rafael and Lieutenant Benson holding each other. It was almost as if they were slow dancing. For a moment she felt a twinge of jealousy, but she quickly buried it and sighed softly. 'Maybe he could be happy…'


	4. Chapter 4

It was a couple of hours or so after Liv had left Barba's office, the city lights twinkled from outside his window. He had shed his jacket, sleeves were rolled up, and his tie was loosened as he paced his office practicing his opening statement. Stopping every once and awhile to make changes on his notepad.

Linda stood in the doorway, silently watching him.

When he turned, he nearly jumped when he saw her.

Linda put her hands up and chuckled nervously, "I'm sorry, your secretary wasn't at her desk so I figured it would be ok to come in."

He wanted to hate her. He wanted to lash out at her. He wanted her to feel the pain she had inflicted on him so many years ago. But he no longer had the energy to fight. He was tired of hating her.

He sighed and then smiled, "I've been told I'm an ogre, but you're my witness, I only keep them here till 9:00 PM."

He motioned for her to come in and sit down.

"I used to love to watch you prepare for a trial. You were so sure of yourself. A force to be reckoned with."

He smiled at the memory of the good times, but he couldn't let go of the past or that night and it showed on his face, "yet you still found it so easy to leave me…"

"No Rafael, it wasn't easy to leave you! It tore me apart, but I was a train wreck and you didn't deserve that."

Barba could feel his blood pressure rising, "did it ever occur to you that I was capable of taking care of myself?"

She shook her head, he hadn't changed much in all these years. Linda was ready for a fight. She had stood up to pigheaded men her whole career. "Tell me something Rafael, how does forgetting to show up to a deposition constitute taking care of yourself? Tell me how that worked out for you?"

Barba grimaced. Another memory he had tried so hard to move past. Like the one where he had been suspended and removed from his second case. He worked very hard over the years to put that behind him and build on his hardworking reputation. In fact, nowadays he excelled at being a hard ass.

Barba threw his hands up in defeat, "Ok, ok…can we just stop? Point made."

Linda took a deep breath. She didn't come here to fight. She still cared about him and wanted him to have closure. She reached for his hands and squeezed them. They were the same strong hands she remembered from years ago.

Barba watched her, he could tell she was wrestling with the past and present. His mind drifted to a different time and place and he almost reached out to hold her, but he was thankful he caught himself.

Linda closed her eyes and tried to think of the right words to say. The silence was deafening.

Barba decided to let her off the hook, mostly to put an end to his own misery, "you don't have to say anything, I get that you didn't love me."

Linda's eyes sprung open, "is that what you think?" She shook her head, "I cared about you deeply Rafael. You were my best friend, but it wasn't enough."

She stood up to put some distance between them.

Even though it pained him, Barba wanted answers, he needed to know, "You're married now? You have a son too?"

"We actually have two sons, Keith is 10 and David is 8."

The way she said "we" stung.

"I need to explain Rafael…"

Barba threw his hands up, "there's nothing to explain. I asked you to marry me and you said no. Game over." He could feel the lump in his throat rising as he said those words.

Linda sat down again and looked at Barba. She saw the pain in his eyes, she needed him to understand, "we were like a drug to each other. We were reckless. The alcohol. The parties. It was all too much!"

She rubbed her temples with her finger tips, and rolled her neck before continuing, "My drinking was out of control. That party switch was always on and I couldn't figure out how to turn it off. I'd drink all night with you, and then I found myself drinking on the job. I was spiraling out of control and I was taking you down with me."

Barba shook his head, "why didn't you tell me? We shared a bed for god sake; we could have worked through it together."

Linda shook her head slowly, "the thing is Rafael, when I finally hit bottom I realized I wasn't in love with you, I was in love with the idea of being in love with you."

If Barba hadn't felt blindsided yesterday, he sure and hell did now, "but you said…"

"I know I said I cared about you, that I needed you, that I even wanted you, but I wasn't "IN" love with you. There's a difference."

Every muscle in Barba's body went limp; he placed his head in his hands. Tears threated to fall but he was damned if he'd give her the satisfaction of seeing him cry again. "Apparently you found no problem meeting someone else," he said as he motioned towards her wedding band, and engagement ring.

Linda looked down at her finger and absent mindedly twisted at the rings.

"Doug is a good man. I met him at a AA meeting and he convinced me to leave the city and my past behind. He encouraged me to apply to the NJ State Police. I'm thankful my Captain in Brooklyn had faith in me and put in a good word. I was accepted to the academy and made it through at the top of my class. Doug and I started out as friends, but over time we fell in and love and now have two beautiful sons."

Linda knew her words had a bite to them, but it wasn't intended, she was only being honest. She could see Rafael was defeated, "I know it hurts to hear this, but you need to know you did nothing wrong."

"Except not love you enough…" His words caught in his throat. Barba wasn't sure if he were mad or sad or a combination of both. All he knew was that the pain was overwhelming.

"Rafael, that's not fair. So I should have stayed with you and destroyed both of us? I wanted to give both of us a chance at being happy."

All Barba heard was words. He wanted to believe her, he wanted to be certain her decision was for the greater good, but he also wanted to hate her. He needed to blame someone for his loneliness.

"Rafael, you're so stubborn. You need to understand that sometimes relationships end." She once again grasped his hands, "YOU ARE AND ALWAYS WILL be a good man with a good heart. Take down your walls and let that woman into your heart."

Barba picked up his head and looked at her. She was smiling at him, she knew about Liv but how? "I'm not sure who you're referring to, but I can assure you there is no one…"

Linda had said all that she could. Rafael's healing process had to come from within. She wanted him to know their breakup wasn't his fault or anything he had or hadn't done. He now needed to believe it himself.

She patted his arm, "I need to head home. Traffic should have died down by now. I want to make sure the boys are set for school tomorrow."

She stood and left him sitting on the couch. He looked overwhelmed, a shell of the man she had seen earlier in the evening. She stopped at the doorway for a moment and looked back, "you need to open your heart to love Rafael…truly let go of the fear of what could go wrong and believe that this is your time for happiness…love freely and know good things are coming your way."

4


	5. Chapter 5

It was late morning and the court session was about to begin. The hallway outside of all the courtrooms were a buzz of activity. People milling about with a singular goal: they must win today.

Barba was talking to the SVU unit when Linda and her two fellow detectives arrived. Linda smiled warmly at everyone as they all went through the ritual of shaking hands. Her and her detectives had testified earlier in the week and they had a vested interest in the trial. "I'm looking forward to seeing this sick bastard behind bars. Let's hope the jury gives us an early Christmas present." Putting assholes like this away for a long time is what kept Linda going. She loved her job and loved protecting those that couldn't speak up for themselves.

For what it was worth, Liv had enjoyed working with Linda, although she'd never admit it to Rafael. They had quite a lot in common and Liv could understand Rafael's attraction to her so many years before. It saddened her to see him in so much pain, but truth be told, she had been on both sides of a breakup and knew all too well how painful it could be. She had noticed a change in him as the days and weeks had passed. Their relationship had a new dynamic, one that she had become very fond of.

For his part, Barba had grown more relaxed around Linda. Maybe it was the hours working the case or maybe he had decided to leave the past where it belonged and instead focus on the here and now.

"Everyone gave compelling testimony and if I'm reading the jury right, they were disturbed by what they heard. I think we got him."

Everybody's conversation was cutoff once the Bailiff opened the courtroom doors and they filed in and took their appropriate seat and waited for the judge to arrive.

"Everyone rise, this court is now in session. The honorable Joseph Bodnar presiding," declared the Bailiff.

The judge banged his gavel twice as he sat down, "this courtroom will now come to order." Judge Bodnar was no spring chicken and he instilled fear in all those who appeared before him. He did not tolerate laziness. He loved the law and as such was always neutral, as a judge should be, but he was known to be a stickler for the law and if that meant setting a defendant free on a technicality then so be it. He was not going to cut corners for an irresponsible prosecutor.

The jurors one by one funneled into the courtroom and took their seats. Barba was confident he had presented the best case possible and he was convinced he would get justice for the victim, but he was always a bit anxious while waiting for the verdict. He glanced back at Liv; her positive attitude always gave him strength. She gave him a slight smile and a nod. That's all the encouragement he needed.

Judge Bodnar looked towards the jurors, "Madam Forewoman, have you reached a unanimous decision?"

"We have your honor."

The Bailiff took the piece of paper with the verdict written on it to the judge. He read it and without so much as a hint of the impending outcome, returned it to the bailiff who handed it back to the Forewoman.

The Judge turned his attention to the defendant, "will the defendant please rise. On the charge of kidnapping in the first degree, how say you?"

The Madam Forewoman cleared her throat and nervously looked at the defendant. He scared her and she was trembling as she read the verdict, "We find the defendant guilty."

The Judge proceeded to read the next three charges and each one was met with a guilty verdict. Every time Barba heard the word "guilty" his confidence grew and he stood a bit taller. The opposite could be found on the other side of the courtroom. Each charge of "guilty" sucked the life out of the defendant, Louis Casasnovas.

Once the Forewoman was finished reading the verdicts the Judge announced, "The defendant will be remanded until sentencing in two weeks." He banged his gavel, "Court is adjourned!"

There were hugs and slaps on the back as the courtroom began to clear out.

Barba and Liv were talking with Mary (the victim), "your testimony was key in putting Casasnovas away. He can't harm you ever again," Liv said as she gave her a reassuring squeeze on her shoulder.

Linda approached as her two fellow detectives stopped to talk to the rest of the squad, "I'm very proud of you Mary, it took a lot of courage to stand up to Casasnovas and look him in the eye. You did good."

Mary had been through so much and while she wanted nothing more than to release the flood gates and cry happy tears, she held it back. "I'm so thankful to you…to all of you for believing in me. I can't wait to put this behind me and move on."

Her words struck a chord with Barba.

There was a slight pause and Liv sensed Linda wanted a private moment with Rafael, "Mary, why don't you come with me and I'll introduce you to Eric Sporn, he's an advocate for victims such as yourself and he can put you in touch with resources to help get you back on your feet." Liv steered her away, but was sure to keep Linda and Rafael in her field of vision.

Linda watched Rafael while he watched Liv walk away. Yup, she knew she was right all those weeks back, he wanted her. She mentally high-fived herself.

"You did a great job Rafael. You put a bad man behind bars."

Rafael was feeling good, his world was returning to norm.

"Sentencing will be in two weeks and Mary will have a chance to give her impact statement. Based on all of the other evidence we presented, I'm confident the judge will hand out the maximum prison sentence. Casasnovas is going away for a very long time."

Linda was proud of Rafael and reveled in his self-assurance. She still enjoyed watching him court, but for entirely different reasons now. "Are we good? I mean, I don't expect us to invite the other over for dinner anytime soon, but it would be nice to keep in touch. And maybe one day…who knows…"

Rafael pondered for a moment, he no longer hated her. He no longer wanted her to feel the pain he once had felt. He now understood and accepted what she had done. "The night you came to talk to me, you left me broken…"

Linda tried to interrupt; she needed him to understand, but how to do it inconspicuously?

"No don't. I'm ok…really. At the time I didn't like what you had to say, but I heard you and you were right. It's time to move on."

Linda breathed a sigh of relief. Her old lover/friend had begun the healing process.

They stood staring at each other; a thousand emotions crossed each of their faces. Whe wanted to hug him and sensed he wanted to do the same, but this was not the time or the place. Professionalism won out and she extended her hand. Rafael gladly accepted it with a playful grin.

"Take care of yourself Rafael. I'm sure you'll get everything you deserve in life."

He smiled as he watched her walk away…back into the past where she belonged.

Linda said her goodbyes to the SVU detectives and she headed to the elevator. As she entered the elevator and turned around, she caught a glimpse of Liv talking to Rafael. They looked comfortable with each other. As the door closed she was certain she spotted that sparkle in Rafael's eyes that she had seen so many years ago.

Yup, he was going to be ok…

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	6. Chapter 6

Rafael signed and dated the last page of the paperwork he was reviewing, dropped his pen, and closed the folder. Damn it had been a long week, but the weekend had finally arrived. A chance to sleep in tomorrow before catching up on errands. He slowly rubbed his weary eyes and that's when he realized it was awfully quiet. The sun had dipped below the buildings hours ago. He glanced at his watch and realized he had wished Carmen a nice weekend…over two hours ago! How did this happen? Sure he was a workaholic, but it was Friday for god sake!

He cracked his back as he stood and looked out the window. It was unseasonably warm for a December night and the citizens of New York City had taken to the street. He grimaced as he watched the hordes of people walking below. Damn, he thought, they're multiplying! Getting home was going to be a bitch.

Truth is, he should be out with friends. He should be enjoying a thick steak and an overpriced bottled of wine with friends. The problem was, he didn't have any friends. Sure there were his collegues that he joked with and even had lunch with from time to time, but he had a no fraternization rule at work. He preferred co-workers not knowing his business and he not knowing theirs. There were the friends he grew up with, but ever since he helped prosecute Eddie, they had all distanced themselves. There was the SVU squad, but then again, he couldn't think of a time they met for drinks or dinner that didn't involve a case. Although, him and Liv had seen each other enough times outside of work to raise more than one questioning eyebrow. Although, he presumed there were worse things to be accused of.

He reached for his phone to text her, but then decided against it and pushed his phone aside. She was more than likely spending time with her son and he hated to intrude on what little time she got to spend with him.

He looked back down at the street, ugh; it was going to take longer than usual to get home. Maybe he'd stop for a drink…

* * *

It was Christmas time and he truly loved this time of the year, and the 70° weather made it even better. What he could do without were the crowds. Everyone wants to come in and see that damn tree he thought. Why?! It's an oversized tree with ornaments – that's it! The area was jam packed with people. If they only knew how many crimes were committed in that tiny area during the holidays they'd think twice about visiting. He couldn't recall the last time he was within a five block radius of Rockefeller Center at Christmastime. Oh hell no!

He looked up and found himself standing in front of Forlini's. He knew Liv wouldn't be there, but he hoped beyond everything that maybe she would be. He opened the door and anxiously looked at "their" spot at the bar and it was of course vacant. In fact the whole bar was empty. Mike the bartender had already seen him and was waiving him over, thus making it impossible for Barba to slip out unnoticed.

"Mr. Barba, it's great to see you." Mike had already finished pouring Barba his favorite Scotch and had placed it in front of him. "I was beginning to think I'd have no customers this evening. Will your girlfriend be joining you?"

Barba decide not to correct him. Like he thought earlier, there were worst things to be accused of. "No, she won't be joining me tonight."

Most times Barba would be sitting at the bar doing work. Trying very hard not to make eye contact with the other patrons. It wasn't that he disliked people, it's that he enjoyed his alone time. And now here he was, finally interested in chatting with people and the bar was empty. The irony of it all.

On the walk over he even convinced himself a one night stand may do him some good. He wasn't a fan of them, but they did serve a purpose. How long had it been? He wracked his brain. When was the last time? A year? It couldn't have been…

He ordered another drink and thought some more.

Yup it was a year ago. Wow, that can't be healthy.

He thought some more.

It had been the legal conference he had attended in Charlotte, North Carolina almost a year ago. He and the ADA from Austin, Texas had become chummy at the hotel bar. They both agreed they each had an itch which needed to be scratched and they took the festivities back to her room. He wasn't proud, but it was sex between two consenting adults. They each needed to blow off some steam. It hadn't been great, but it was the pure definition of sex and besides, it hurt his head and pride to continue thinking how long it had been.

One year. Seriously?!

* * *

Barba had been walking for quite a while. Not sure where he was headed, but headed somewhere. Earlier at Forlini's a few more people had stopped by for dinner, but it was no one he wanted to talk to. He had thought about finding another bar, but it wouldn't have been the same. What he really wanted was to spend time with Liv. There was something about her, the way she wasn't intimidated by his Ivy League education, the way she'd fight him tooth and nail on a subject she was passionate about. He laughed to himself when he remembered the time she debated him on the pros and cons of dunking an Oreo in a glass of milk. Sure they disagreed but they always seemed to find common ground AND rarely did either of them hold a grudge. Truth was, he trusted her implicitly.

He finally came to a stop and looked up at the familiar surroundings. It wasn't because it was his apartment building, but it was Liv's. What was he doing here? Was this wrong? Maybe even a little weird? He stood on the sidewalk staring at her building for what seemed like an eternity.

Suddenly his trance was broken by the sound of an all too familiar voice.

"Uncle Rafa, what are you doing here?" Noah had run down the sidewalk and wrapped his arms around Barba's lower half of his body. Squeezing him tighter than he thought possible for a boy his size.

Liv finally caught up to her son and her unexpected visitor. She was happy to see him, whether it was expected or not. She didn't care why he was here, even if it was work related, just as long as she got to spend some time with him.

Barba motioned with his head towards the two take-out containers she was carrying, "you had dinner out this evening?" It wasn't so much a question about where she had been, but more of a way to avoid the question of why he was standing on the sidewalk outside her apartment building.

Liv began to chuckle out loud as she knew Rafael would appreciate her story, "well, a certain someone heard there was a very large Christmas tree not far from here at school today…"

Noah cut her off, "Mom, it's the LARGEST tree ever!"

Liv laughed and emphasized largest with air quotes, "Right, the largest tree ever. So needless to say, we went up to Rockefeller Center to see the tree and grab a bite to eat." She then pointed her fingers at her head and pulled the make believe trigger.

Rafael laughed and completely understood her misery as a fellow New Yorker.

"As much as I'm not complaining, I do think there's a question that's been left unanswered, why are you here? Is it work related?"

Barba had wished to avoid the inquiry, hoping instead to pretend he hadn't heard Noah. His gaze shifted up to Liv and he was struck by how beautiful she looked tonight. It wasn't like she was wearing anything fancy or trying to look sexy, she was just being Olivia Benson and that's what he liked the most about her.

Barba held her gaze probably for a moment too long, but he was trying to memorize every curve and feature of her lips. He had to think of something quickly because if he was not mistaken, he had seen that frown before while she interviewed suspects in the interrogation room.

"I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by and say hello."

Liv knew that was a lie, but she was more than willing to let him off the hook. All that mattered was she hoped she'd see him this weekend and here he was, she wasn't about ready to question fate.

"You up for a movie tonight?"

Noah began jumping around at the mention of a movie tonight. "Please stay Uncle Rafa. We're going to watch Toy Story 2; it's the best movie ever!"

Liv smiled at Rafael, she knew this was probably not what his idea of a fun evening was and was more than willing to give him a way out, "we completely understand if you have plans this evening. We can always catch-up another night."

Barba understood what Liv was trying to say; she appreciated that maybe this wasn't his kind of fun, but she was wrong, in fact very wrong. This was exactly what he had been looking for.

"No plans whatsoever and I think watching Toy Story 2 sounds fantastic." He then scooped up Noah and playfully swung him around as he followed Liv into her apartment building.


	7. Chapter 7

Authors Note: I struggled with these next two chapters. I'm an accountant, not a writer. I don't mind reading smut, but I can't write it. I don't know how to write it well enough to keep the reader's attention. I figured I could gloss over it and leave much of it to the reader's imagination, but it didn't come out the way I liked. I hope you enjoy even though I know it sucks LOL.

* * *

 **(Barba's POF)**

Rafael lay in bed, one arm tucked behind his head, the other wrapped around Liv as she slept on his chest. He could smell the perfume that lingered from the day before. He wasn't sure of the brand, but he wanted to commit the fragrance to memory. Light from the dawn of a new day slowly seeped in through the window. He had been awake for the past hour or so, staring at the ceiling, trying to recall how they ended up here. Well, he knew how they got there; he was trying really hard to remember how it all happened because it was something deep down he knew he'd never want to forget..

 _They had finished watching the movie and while Liv put her son to bed, Rafael began cleaning things up. He was looking forward to some alone time with Liv, although he hadn't quite expected it to go in the direction it had._

He glanced down at her and smiled as the memories began to come back to him.

 _He had finished pouring Liv a glass of wine, fully prepared to sit on the sofa and talk about "them." To find out if she felt the same? He was confident she did, but after years of working with SVU, he needed to be sure. Linda was right, he couldn't be afraid anymore. He was tired of being alone and he wanted to love someone and for them to love him back._

 _He had been absorbed in his own thoughts when Liv came into the kitchen and startled him. She had gently run her finger tips across his back as she moved to see what was left to clean. She had touched him many times before, but that time he felt a jolt of electricity shoot through him. It sounded so juvenile to say, but the butterflies he had been feeling were all too real._

 _Suddenly time had stopped. Their breathing had intensified as they stared at each other. Everything was in slow motion. Liv then stepped forward and took the glass of wine out of Rafael's hand and placed it on the counter. Rafael could feel her breath on his lips; he reveled in the feeling of her closeness._

 _Their kiss was tentative at first and then deepened with intensity as the emotional side of their brains took over. When she broke away from the kiss, he had begun to panic, what had gone wrong? Images from the past, those he had tried so hard to bury, began to unearth themselves. Tears welled up inside him; his eyes began to burn as he tried to suppress them. He searched her face and instead what he saw looking back at him was pure lust. Liv took his hand into hers and lead him to her bedroom. The only light came from a candle on her dresser. It cast shadows in the room and at times when the flame sputtered, the light danced on the walls._

He tried very hard to suppress a chuckle as he recalled how awkward it first was. It definitely had not been like the movies.

 _They had fumbled with each other's buttons, were sometimes not in the right position, and even once completely missed each other's lips when they went to kiss. Instead of dwelling on their missteps, they instead showed the other how they liked to be touched, or the tempo they preferred. So when the second time came, they were 100% in sync with each other._

Rafael beamed with pride; twice in one night was pretty good for a guy in his late 40's.

He cared deeply for Liv and he hoped he had showed her how much last night. Who was he kidding? He knew he was falling for her, but he wasn't ready to say he was "in love" with her, there was still so much to learn about her, and even though he had heard what Linda had said to him, he still needed to protect his heart, but as he looked down at her, he knew she had pretty much dismantled every stone in that wall he had built up, and it was only a matter of time until the inevitable happened.

His heart began to beat a little faster as he felt Liv stir. He knew she'd be awake shortly and he was anxious to see how she felt about all of this…

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	8. Chapter 8

**(Olivia's POF)**

Liv had been awake for an hour or so. She knew Rafael had also been awake for as long if not longer. At first she was content to lay in his arms, the mixture of his cologne and perspiration was intoxicating, but then she began to worry that he was having second thoughts. She knew somewhat of his history, about how badly Linda had hurt him, and she wondered if he was ready?

Liv could feel the thumping of his heart. She hoped it was beating for her.

The events of the previous night were so vivid. How he smiled at her, how she decided to make the first move and show him how she felt. She was happy their first time hadn't been clouded by alcohol.

 _She had lead him to her bedroom, to her private sanctuary, to the one place few had ever been. At first they stood facing each other, as if they were unsure how to begin. And then he placed his hands on her hips and drew her closer to himself. She had expected the flood gates to open and for him to ravage her, but instead he held her close; as if he were afraid she may drift away. When she stayed and didn't try to pull away, he relaxed and placed butterfly kisses along her neckline, and then moved along her jaw until he found his way to her lips. There was no denying the passion in their second kiss._

 _After that it was somewhat of a blur. Clothes tossed to the floor and then falling into bed. It was clumsy and definitely not her best performance, but oddly enough it didn't seem to matter. They chuckled when one misplaced a kiss or when one went in one direction and the other went the other way._

 _All the awkward moments were gone the second time around. It was as if the first time was a rehearsal, a chance to work out the kinks. They moved slower, taking time to explore every inch of each other's body. They took the time to savior each moment. Neither one said a word, save for the occasional moan or sigh, but so much emotion and thought was conveyed in their eyes, their kisses, and how they touched each other._

Watching it all play out in her mind brought a smile to Liv's face. The years they spent building a friendship, seemed to translate well to the bedroom. They were a team, there was no need for embarrassment or the requirement to one up the other. Their relationship was an example of true respect.

She was pleasantly surprised at how tender and caring Rafael was. She had seen glimpses throughout their friendship, but he was very guarded with his emotions. It was hard sometimes to reconcile the ADA Rafael Barba with the man who she found herself falling for.

So here they were, completely naked, and wrapped up in each other. She didn't know what time it was, but based upon the amount of daylight trickling into her bedroom, she knew it was only a matter of time before Noah would wake up and come looking for her. Liv had taught him to not barge in if her door was closed, but that didn't mean he wouldn't stand outside her door knocking incessantly. She tried her best to teach him well, but he was five and still had a lot more growing up ahead of him.

She wanted to be proactive and be dressed before Noah discovered Rafael still the apartment. He had grown close to Tucker last year and had difficulty understanding why he would no longer be around. She wasn't sure how he would process "uncle" Rafa spending the night. Probably something she should have given some thought to before she hopped into bed with Rafael, but she admitted to herself, when he had his tongue in her mouth she had lost herself. Damn he was a great kisser…

She was pretty sure everything was going to be ok, but it was now or never. Time to find out if there had been an err in judgement or something they'd look back on with affection and give their first time a proper label.

2


	9. Chapter 9

It was now or never…

[As they both awoke] They stretched in unison more so as a way to gauge how the other would react, rather than needing to stretch their aching muscles.

"Good morning" both mumbled at the same time. They giggled at how silly it sounded and Rafael pulled Liv closer to his chest and kissed the top of her head.

Rafael smiled, "How'd you sleep?"

Liv snorted at how funny that sounded, "Is that what it's called nowadays? Because I don't think I got a whole lot of sleep." And then stretched her neck to kiss him lightly, "…but I didn't mind all that much. Thank you for a wonderful evening."

Rafael hadn't realized he had been holding his breath and as soon as her words had been spoken, he exhaled…everything was going to be ok.

Liv snuggled a little closer, not wanting the moment to end, but she was a mother and she knew their time was fleeting. "I could stay like this all day, but I think it would be a good idea to get showered and dressed before Noah wakes up."

All in all Rafael was a practical man; he didn't get this far in life by being irrational. He understood what she said, but he'd be lying if he wasn't bummed. "I understand, but I think maybe we should have a talk before we present a united front. Ok?"

Now it was Liv's turn to be nervous, "Listen Rafa, if this…"

Rafael cut her off and gently placed his fingertip over her lips, "Relax, I'm more than ok with this, I just think we need to discuss the repercussions."

Liv shifted away from him slightly, partly as a defense mechanism, but mostly as a way to separate from him sexually and listen to what he had to say.

Rafael cringed at the sudden loss of her body heat, but also from the loss of her nakedness…hey, he was a man after all.

He rubbed both his hands over his face and tried to pull his thoughts together. He shifted his body to face her and stuffed the pillow under his head. He could see the concern in Liv's eyes and he reached out to hold her hand.

"What happened last night was amazing, but you and I would be lying to ourselves if we didn't admit it's going to be difficult, not to mention complicated."

He squeezed her hand. He hated himself when he was so goddamn practical.

Liv had tried to prepare herself for this, the moment she knew was coming. The moment Rafael voiced his regrets. "I get it counselor, this is quite a lot to swallow. There's nothing keeping you here. All I ask…" Liv was beginning to pull away, she needed to run, she needed to go somewhere to cry. How could she have been so wrong?

Rafael could see the fear in her eyes, and he could hear the emotion in her voice, but she getting it all wrong! He berated himself for his choice of words.

Liv was attempting to untangle herself from the sheets and she had nearly broken free when Rafael grabbed her and held her back. She struggled, but he wasn't going to let her go, "Liv please, don't go! You've got it all wrong. Can you please just wait and hear me out?"

Liv stopped squirming. Suddenly she felt exposed not only emotionally, but physically as well.

Rafael had felt her relax and let go of her and pulled back with his hands up as a show of him giving her time to collect herself.

Liv gathered what sheets and blankets she could and covered herself. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

"Liv, please listen to me. I'm sorry; I shouldn't have sounded so serious. What I was trying to say, miserably I might add, is that I want to be with you. I want us to mean something, but I know it's going to come at a cost. I'm prepared to make the sacrifice, but I need to know that you are too."

Liv sat motionless, she felt like an idiot for jumping to conclusions. She hated that she could be so rational at work, and yet so irrational when it came to her personal life. She was a train wreck. She was speechless and she had no idea how to fix this. Her eyes finally met Rafael's…

"I'm so sorry, I just thou…"

"Liv, you don't owe me an apology. I get it. I should have approached it differently."

"No, this is on me." She took Rafael's hand into hers and kissed his knuckles. She gathered her thoughts and continued, "so many people have left me and I just assumed you wanted to do the same. I'm sorry, that wasn't fair of me. But this is me and all of my insecurities. You may want to get out while you can." She offered the smallest of a smile and looked down at the balled up sheets.

Rafael's heart broke for her, he knew she had been dealt a shitty hand in life and yet she was still a good person and had dedicated her life to helping others and never asked for anything in return.

Rafael leaned forward, and with his index finger he tilted her head upwards. He looked deeply into her eyes making sure she could see how much he cared for her. He then leaned in further and kissed her with all the raw emotion he could summon.

When he broke the kiss he could tell she had heard his message loud and clear.

They rested their foreheads on each other, their breathing in sync with one another, as their hands began to explore the other.

The sheet had slipped off of Rafael when he had reached for her and was now covering very little. Liv's mind began to wander and she needed to focus before things got out of hand.

She reluctantly pulled herself away from Rafael and climbed out of bed, "we really need to get cleaned up, Noah will be awake soon." She padded over to her dresser and began searching for what to wear.

For his part Rafael was a very happy man, he had just dodged a bullet, and while he knew they had a lot to talk about, he was content with letting it go for now. He had propped himself up in bed and was watching Liv move around the bedroom, quickly tidying things up. A smile crept across his face as he admired her body and how comfortable she was being completely naked in front of him.

Suddenly Liv realized Rafael had not made an effort to get up, and while she found it hard to be annoyed with him, she was concerned with what needed to get done.

She leaned down, grabbed his t-shirt off the floor, and tossed it at him, "C'mon, we need to get moving."

"Can you fault a guy for wanting to sit back and enjoy the view?"

Liv turned her head hoping Rafael wouldn't see her blushing, but she was mentally high fiving herself, yup she still had it!

She had grabbed a robe and she glanced back towards the bed with a gleam in her eye, "aren't you going to join me? I have some hard to reach spots on my back…"

Rafael didn't know he was capable of moving so fast. He came up behind Liv, nuzzling her neck while pressing his growing arousal against her.

Liv's eyes spring open wider. She was more than flattered by his state of excitement.

She glanced downwards, "you sure you have a permit for that counselor?"

She giggled at how corny that sounded.

Rafael kissed her neck, "don't worry, I have connections."

Before things could get out of hand, Liv made the executive decision to move their activities to the shower.

* * *

Years later they'd each look back and wonder why they had been so afraid to take that leap and often wondered if it had been fate when Linda had come back into Rafael's life and given them that much needed nudge?

THE END


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